Describing Disney World Rides Literally
Disney World is home to dozens of rides across its four theme parks!
Big Thunder Mountain
Some of these rides are classics, lasting for more than 50 years, while others are brand-new, drawing in guests to see what the hype is all about. The rides are perhaps the biggest draw for guests to come to Disney World, but some of them are a little weird…if you really think about it. Today, we’re describing Disney rides literally, so you understand exactly what we mean!
Let’s start with this one: a purple dragon in a sweater assaults your senses. Sounds pretty aggressive, right? Yeah, well that’s what you get on Journey Into Imagination with Figment.
A hotel that would receive zero stars on Yelp still has lines of people wanting to check-in. That’s Tower of Terror for ya!
0 out of 5 stars!
Old men scream in your ears upside-down in the dark? Any other place, that would be completely creepy and unacceptable, but in Hollywood Studios, that’s what people wait in line for at Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster.
Evil dictator captures you and continuously tries to kill you as you escape. That’s a literal nightmare right there! But it’s also the most popular ride in Disney World, Rise of the Resistance.
This ride is the definition of “danger around every corner.”
Mad scientist puts you in grave peril as he sits comfortably in his office. The plot of a science fiction/horror film? Or just the plot of Animal Kingdom’s Dinosaur?
Spin around in circles until you hurl. Well, that’s pretty easy…that’s obviously Mad Tea Party. (Which may be one of the park’s most divisive rides!)
Who’s ready to spin until they’re sick?!
Ever been on Magic Kingdom’s Jungle Cruise? What you’re really getting is a boat captain who makes bad jokes while surrounded by deadly animals. Fun!
Listen, we like to tell our readers to request row B1 when riding Soarin’ in EPCOT. Otherwise, you find out what it would be like if all the world’s major landmarks were strangely wavy.
If you’re not in the center, everything is at an angle!
Get a free bath whether you want it or not. How thoughtful of you Disney World, for putting Kali River Rapids in Animal Kingdom and making sure that we all stay clean. And damp.
What’s Tomorrowland Speedway like? Well, basically you drive frustratingly slowly while inhaling unhealthy amounts of exhaust fume.
Yay for fumes!
Drunken men steal, torture, and commit arson while singing a show tune — that’s not family-friendly! But it’s exactly what you’ll witness when visiting Pirates of the Caribbean. (It’s much more lighthearted than we give it credit for!)
What’s less work than Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run, but you’re more likely to get sick? Why that’s Mission: SPACE in EPCOT! In fact, it’s the only Disney World ride to come with barf bags.
Get ready to step inside a human centrifuge.
Boating through a glowing jungle in search of 12-ft tall alien sounds like a trippy dream. And you can make that dream a reality if you ride Na’vi River Journey in Animal Kingdom.
The Haunted Mansion is beloved by many Disney fans, but at its core, it’s a poorly maintained home overrun by wacky spirits. It’s incredibly charming, though! 
Creepy. But in a beloved way.
TriceraTop Spin is a pretty straightforward ride, what can we say about it? Well, it’s Dumbo with dinosaurs.
See animals do animal stuff…that just about sums up Kilimanjaro Safaris.
Just animals being animals!
Great views, but make sure you miss the camel spit. You’ll thank us for that advice next time you ride Magic Carpets of Aladdin in Magic Kingdom.
Where can you experience unsupervised well-dressed children having a really, really, really long sing-along? Well, the classic “it’s a small world” of course! Seriously, that ride is more than 10 minutes long.
So. Much. Singing.
Riding Gran Fiesta Tour in EPCOT is just watching a fan-favorite bird experiencing violent injuries in Mexico. Donald Duck fans be warned.
Honestly, the tagline for Astro Orbiter in Magic Kingdom should be “Hope you’re really comfortable with your travel buddy!” We haven’t been that close to another human in a theme park, well, since…ever.
You’ll be nice and snuggly on this ride.
If you strip away the Star Wars plotlines, Star Tours in Hollywood Studios is really just the world’s worst Uber driver taking you to space.
Want to know how to study for your World History final exam in 11 minutes? Ride Spaceship Earth. That’s it.
It’s a globe filled with history!
Ahh, Space Mountain — intergalactic whiplash with a stranger nearly in your lap. A Disney classic.
And finally, Disney World’s newest ride, where a vermin breaks multiple health codes and evades murder. (Definitely check out Remy’s Ratatouille Adventure on your next visit!)
We’re rooting for Remy!
There you have it — our literal descriptions of 24 different Disney World rides. Stay tuned to DFB for more news and updates from the parks, plus all the advice you need ahead of your vacation!
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Which ride description do you think is the most accurate? Tell us in the comments!
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